I am now two weeks out from having run my very first marathon and I’ll be honest, I’m in a lull.
Something I realized towards the end of training for the race was that I was no longer running for fun- it all felt like work. The miles had to get done. The nutrition had to be dialed in. The plans had to be followed.
The burning question should’ve been “Or else what, Robin?”
I’m smarter now…
I started running 3 years ago (ok walking, but it slowly and safely morphed itself into a bit of a jog…) and when I started it was fun. I loved getting out there and letting my mind go. My safe place was outside on the trail- I could check out, muse on the day, think about whatever I wanted, and I would finish relaxed and refreshed. This was why I was out here.
People would always say to me “I wouldn’t run unless I was being chased.” Well, I was, figuratively. I was being chased by the fear that life was going to suck and that I would always be the sad excuse for a human that I had convinced myself I was. I was being chased by the overwhelming possibility that I would fail to find happiness and a reason to keep going.
So yeah. I ran like I was being chased. Over time that turned into running because I was chasing. Chasing the dream that I could feel alive, free, and happy.
I don’t want to say that marathon training changed that, but it sorta did.
I was starting to approach my training calendar begrudgingly. I was losing my joy. I was losing the whole reason that I started running to begin with and I was not happy about that. I was angry and resentful, mostly of myself, for committing to something that was making me feel unworthy and like a failure.
It was all lies- but I couldn’t see that.
I have a new resolve (like I said, I’m smarter now). You may notice that I referred to my marathon as my first- I plan on doing another, maybe quite a few. From now on, however, I will train better. I will take care of my emotions as much as I am taking care of my body. My training will be fun and work. Profit and reward. Now that I know these things about myself, I can be my own best friend, instead of my own worst enemy.
I’ve taken that last two weeks to reflect, recharge, and refocus. I am spending my time doing yoga, and strength training, and I am only running when I want to and only for fun. This month is my month of Me. At the end of the month I am running the Bolder Boulder with my hubby, like we do every year. I will take the kick-ass time that I earned in a previous 10k to get a nice early starting wave, and that race will be my fresh start to the season.
With love and happiness- I hope you come to the same conclusions,