Most of the time when I write my blogs have to do with running, fitness, or other health related things.
This is not one of those blogs.
If you don’t want to read the ramblings of my life and self reflection, please feel free to pass this up and move on. It won’t hurt my feelings.
For those of you still reading, here we go…
I was sitting in a staff meeting this morning and my mind wandered back in time. I followed it back- way back- to a time when my life was dark. I mean really dark. Sitting there on the comfy couch while my co-workers laughed and joked about the weekend and various things that happened during the past week my mind was otherwise occupied.
Though my eyes were open as my friends spoke, I wasn’t looking around the room here in 2013. Instead, I was a fly on the wall in my college apartment in 2002. I looked down at the unhappy joyless girl, sitting on the floor in the moonlight. She wasn’t just sad- she was cold. Inside and out there was nothing in her that wanted to keep going- nothing worth living for. As I watched her sit there crying to a God she wasn’t even sure existed, much less cared to do anything about her situation, I wanted to scream to her that it was going to be ok– that this pain had to happen because she would pull out of it and things would change.
Of course she didn’t hear me. 2002 Robin couldn’t imagine the things 2013 Robin would be doing. All she knew is that she was dying inside.
Thinking about this horrible time in my life I started to think about a pattern that had been developing since that day. When I finally did pull out of that dark place in 2003, I was grateful to God for what He did for me- I had a job, a person to walk through life with, my family back. Things were good, and I had an attitude of gratitude. Then in 2008, when things fell apart again and I found myself begging for change, He complied again. And once again, I was grateful for the change of my circumstances, so it seemed. I had health, and some joy. The person who I was walking with left, but I had more confidence to walk without someone next to me. Gratitude.
Being grateful isn’t my problem.
My problem comes from this constant resolution of “I have arrived”. Things have changed and I’m good now. The issue at hand is that I frequently fail to realize that I am being molded- constantly. If I were to tell you how great things are now, that would be ok, but I would be naive to think that “right now” is “always”. In those really hard sucky times I was being shaped into something better than what I was, but even in the good times I am still being transformed.
I can’t forget this. Ever.
Thinking that the way things are in my current situation is how things will always be- whether good or bad- would be foolish. We are always changing and growing, into the likeness of our Creator.
I’m ok with that (really what choice do I have?). I just need to remember that it’s happening. If I am aware of the fluidity of my life and my path, the outcomes of acceptance and motivation to keep striving will always be there for me. Thinking that He might be done with me would be admitting that I am flawless, which I am most definitely not. Instead, I am like molding clay- sometimes I get nudged around, maybe even beat up a little (usually at my own hands) and need to be reformed, and sometimes there are just minor touch ups that need to be done for the time being.
I’m not sure if I am making sense anymore or if I have reached the point of rambling…
All of this is just to say that when I look back on my life, it’s pretty crystal clear to see how each little thing played out and how the “plot line” of my story is like a movie. The only difference is that the credits aren’t rolling yet and I am still the lead character and ALL of this matters, and EVERYTHING is relevant.