Momlife and Feelings. 

My son is 7 months old. I look at how much he has changed over the course of the past few months and I am just blown away at all the progress he has made. 

Unfortunately, when I look at my own journey, I don’t feel the same amount of pride. In fact, I feel a bit of the opposite. 

It’s really tough to admit that this is really hard. 

I truly thought that by now I would be back in action, making things happen, getting my poop in a group (all the other moms reading this are either nodding or laughing. I was so naïve). It’s so hard to contain my own disappointment. 

A friend told me this week, as I was shrugging off those feelings that everyone has, that just because everyone has them doesn’t make them any less valid. 

So in an effort to be transparent, and maybe help other moms struggling with the guilt I have, I feel:

Tired. Like all the time. I’m pretty sure someone took our clocks and just removed a couple of the hours. 

Hungry. Like all the time. Being responsible for another humans sustenance is no easy task. And I graze constantly. Which brings me to my next one…

Frumpy. I feel blah and squishy- like I’m wearing someone else’s skin. 

Guilty. I find myself wishing that things were different. That I could have someone else’s life. Well, that’s not entirely accurate. I wish some of my certain circumstances and challenges would magically disappear. I wish that things could be as easy for me as they appear (key word) for other mamas. And that makes me feel guilty- because I wouldn’t change  anything that would change my son. Nothing. No questions asked. But, I still feel guilty thinking that. 

Disappointed. In myself for not being the Pinterest mom I thought I woulda coulda shoulda been. 

Sad– that time is going by so fast and I can’t catch a breath. 

Angry. This one surprises me but if I am totally honest I’m angry that other moms are so judgy with each other. There, I said it. Be kind to each other. Seriously. 

Lonely. Being up in the middle of the night or the times when I’m home alone is incredibly isolating. It doesn’t have to be, but sometimes it’s just not worth it to engage. 

Most of all happy. There’s something to be said for having your prayers be answered and your dreams come true. That sounds cheesy but I don’t care. Having joy with my son doesn’t negate all the other emotions. Rather, I think it validates them. 

Baby Vs Barbell

Life is really busy right now. All the moms in the room, I’m sure, are nodding knowingly. My little man will be 4 months old on Monday and I feel like I am just now getting back into the swing of things. This new found rhythm made me think that going back to the gym would be a snap.

Mr Ham and I located a gym very close to our home where there is daycare ($1/hr! Amazing!) and we signed up right away. I was pumped. I know that lifting again will get my head right and will help me feel more like myself. Unfortunately, there is one thing I didn’t take into account:  Mom guilt is real.

Monday afternoon I rushed home from work to get my workout clothes on. I was pumped. Then I realized that I could no longer just drop everything and lift. My body was different now and my baby was nursing. I would have to time things just right so that he had food and so that my body wouldn’t be uncomfortable. Timing this sort of thing out is hard, guys.

Not only that, I also had to take into account the effects that lifting would have on the quality of his…dinner. (There’s no way to phrase this that doesn’t come off slightly awkward!)

Thirdly, lifting always leaves me a little sore the next day (DOMs) but I never took into account that it would make me sore for 4 fulls days. It was such a chore to just walk up the stairs- it was hard to get down and play with my son when I was as sore as I was.

All of this made me feel guilty- was he going to suffer just so I could start to get my body back? I felt so guilty, like I was taking from him. See- mom guilt is real.

However, what I realized then and have to remind myself now, my body will serve both of us better if I am healthy and strong. There may be some stumbling blocks on the way there, but if I am careful and take care of my body well (hydrate, lift smart, keep walking) I think the both of us can benefit from this process!

I’m excited to get back under the barbell! Time to get to work!

 

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Join the Rebellion!!!

2016 is going to be epic. I know I’ve said that before, most recently about 2015, but I had no idea the curveball life would throw me THIS PAST YEAR. No sooner than I had made my awesome list of things to accomplish in 2015 than I got the best news ever- I was expecting. Finally, after 2 years of pushing hard to get healthy and wanting to be a mom, it was happening. Wish: granted- life: altered. Needless to say, most of 2015 was spent taking care of myself by walking and eating right, so that my baby would grow and thrive and in September I gave birth to the most awesome kid on the planet. We call him Bacon Bits.
When I first started reading the articles and participating in challenges on Nerd Fitness, my life looked very different than it does today. Not only was I constantly stumbling and backsliding with my goals, I was also trying to do it all alone. Before long however, I had developed an amazing network of supporters, cheerleaders, and friends. Legit friends, who had my back and who loved me well enough to speak truth when I needed to hear it. These people are my most favorite thing about the Rebellion.

Without the support and advice I get from others who have been where I am, I don’t know that I would be as healthy as I am right now- which also means that I don’t know if I would have my son. The impact of having positive folks in your life, like the Rebels in mine, is invaluable. They encouraged me to try new things, like lifting, running, rucking and those things have changed me for the better- I’m not exaggerating.

Listen, if you’re not happy with where you are, and you feel stuck in a rut, you need to check out Nerd Fitness and see what could possibly lie ahead for you. Read success stories. Learn about other types of fitness. Consider alternatives to your same old, same old. But, whatever you do, do NOT accept the boring, stagnant, discontent lies you’ve told yourself.

This year is going to be epic, I’ll say it again. I plan on completing a GORUCK challenge. I plan on slashing a few more 14ers off my hiking wish list. And most of all, I plan on getting out there and feeling alive- for my son, for myself, FOR THE REBELLION. You should, too! #JOINTHEREBELLION

In Four Weeks…

In four weeks my son will meet the world, me, and his dad. He will look around for the first time, be held, snuggled, kissed, and welcomed. He will have grandparents, aunts, uncles, and friends anxiously standing by to cheer him on and help him know just how much he is loved.

In four weeks our dogs, our furbabies, will learn what having a tiny human around the house means for them; snacks on the floor, tugs on the ears, nights spent *not* on our bed (sorry kids), and a little buddy who loves them like a sibling would.

In four weeks our everyday life will involve a level of vigilance and protection that we’ve never had to have before- putting someone else’s needs before our own (when appropriate) and keeping a watchful eye out for anything and everything we can do to keep the small one safe.

In four weeks a hope I’ve had since I first decided I wanted to be a mom will be realized and whatever it looks like, though drastically different from the first visions I had, will be perfect. The time spent will be worth it. The let downs turned into teaching lessons. The prayers, though not on our timeline or in the ways we would’ve thought, answered.

In four weeks we begin a new adventure. I couldn’t be more excited, scared, thrilled, blessed, or joyful.

I’m overwhelmed, in all the best ways possible.

Come, little man. In your own time, in your own way. You have no idea the wild ride you’re in for.

Year End What’s Up/ What’s Next

Well, 2014, it’s been real.

This year has been a huge tornado of firsts and changes. Sometimes, a few life path alterations keep us pointed in the same direction, but I have had so many this year that I truly feel like my life has started in on a new journey.

The year started off in an epic way- my first lifting meet! I flew down in January to Dallas Texas to meet up with some of the best people on the planet- other Rebels from Nerd Fitness. We met up at a Crossfit gym, and cheered each other on towards a mountain of PR’s. Hanging out with them was a highlight for me, and now that it’s almost a year later, I miss them all so much. Such good people.

Nerd Fitness Crew

In May my best friend and I did our very first Spartan race. It was one of the most challenging things I had done. The water was freezing, the obstacles were difficult, and the finish was epic. I’m thinking I might even shoot for more in 2015…

Spartan

June brought one of the most epic things I have ever done, which led me to one of the most amazing communities ever. GORUCK. I participated in a Light, and now I have plans to get a challenge in 2015, and maybe a few more events? Hint hint, GORUCK, a scavenger in Colorado would be cool…  My reward to myself and a belated birthday present was Ziva, my GORUCK pack. Easily the most comfortable bag I’ve ever owned.

GORUCK Light Class 322

Most of my summer was spent hiking, 14ers in specific. There are quite a few that I still want to get to, and 2015 has their names written all over it. I’m really excited to get back out on the trails and to keep pushing my limits. I was trying to think of which summit was my favorite, but I don’t think I can nail it down to just one. Catching sunrise on Mount Sherman was amazing. Getting 3 out of 4 of The Quad was challenging and fun. Pikes Peak was an awesome hike and though it was long, it was gorgeous, with multiple different types of terrain. Evans’ summit was quick, and the way down was… trailblazing…

The Quad

In August I took a twist with my 5k adventures and started to Ruck them (ie, carrying weight in a pack, and instead of running I do a quick walk, like a shuffle, but more effective.) I had been shooting for 45 minutes or less with the weight, and at the Esprit de She I clocked in at 44:08!!! I was on fire and I felt amazing!

Esprit de She 2014

In the fall I started attending November Project on Wednesday mornings, before work. The workouts are killer, and though I’m the slowest person there, I never feel unwelcome, and I always get a good burn. Free fitness? Hello. I’ve even been given the positivity award twice, which is crazy because THEY are the ones who keep me positive!

NP5280

I finished up the year taking a massive step towards a Life Quest goal of mine (Becoming a Search and Rescue K9 handler). This December, I completed my Wilderness First Aid certification. We spent 2 days in the mountains working through lessons and scenarios, and the scenarios specifically showed me that this is what I want to be doing.

Med Training Group

Unrelated to health and fitness, my life took another huge turn. In September, I felt like I was being called out of ministry. I had been working at my church full time for almost 8 years, and the thought of leaving my job scared me and made me sick to my stomach. But, God provided and showed me where he wanted me to go- and confidently I went. The change has been one of the most difficult things I have ever done, but I know it was the right thing.

Related to health, I also started to see a chiropractor. I am feeling great, and I am hoping that the long term benefits to this are everything that I hope they will be. My Chiro showed us our X-rays and walked us through all the different aspects to them; I feel sort of like an expert on my spine! All the areas where it Zigs instead of Zags directly relate to issues that I have physically and emotionally. It’s amazing.

Upcoming for 2015:

1. More Spartan! I’m thinking a Super?

2. More GORUCK! A challenge in June for my birthday!

3. More November Project! Ya’ll good?

4. More 14ers! Bierstad, Quandary, Democrat…

5. More safety! I’m applying for my church’s safety team!

6. More lifting! I am determined to get my 500# club patch this year!

I’m preparing for a wild ride…

New Ink: Rescued

I got a new tattoo Monday. It was a long process, thinking about what I wanted it to say/be. For a long time I have wanted the “i refuse to sink” with an anchor on it. Then, I started to think more about this- an anchor sinks. Wouldn’t that be contradictory to what I was getting at? Then I thought “oh! I could do a life preserver” but I hated all of the images of life preservers that I saw.

Finally, I decided that I needed to think about why I wanted it. I believe that tattoos should reflect what’s on the inside. A big part of that, for me, is the spirit of being rescued. I was saved, at just the right moment in my life. One night, in my college apartment, I sat on the floor and made a deal with God, who I wasn’t even sure at the time I believed in. I told Him I needed him to save me and pull me out of my darkness, because I was done and didn’t want to do it anymore. I was isolated and at the end of my rope. The overwhelming peace that I found that night surpassed my understanding. For the longest time I lived my life feeling like I was laying on the ocean floor being crushed, and now I feel like I have been swept up and pulled to shore. Things haven’t been sunshine and roses, but they have a layer of hope that wan’t there before, and a spirit of joy inside my heart.

Monday I got a new tattoo- an outward sign of an inward acknowledgement of my salvation.

One simple word in Hebrew- rescued:

Hitzil

Pruning the Roses

As I look down at my hands and see the cuts and scars all over them, I think not only of the tasks of this weekend, but also of the task of refining ourselves.

I know that sounds a bit cryptic, but hear me out.

I am not a horticulturist. I do not have a green thumb. Most things, aside from myself and my pets, die despite my feeble attempts to keep them going.

Yes, somehow, the rosebush that I planted in front of my house 7 year ago still lives. Somehow, not unlike my poor body, it has put up with the elements and lack of concern like a champ. The only thing that could make it better, I decided, was to trim it back.

The rosebush has branches and twigs that are no longer living, and other parts that are thriving. So I grabbed my little pruning scissors and set my mind to take care of business. It should be easy, right? Cut the dead parts so the green can get water?

Within 5 minutes I had long cuts along my hands. The rosebush was fighting back. I wasn’t going to be put off this time, I decided, and after donning some heavy duty gloves I continued my task. After half an hour or so of pruning and trimming, what stood before me was green and vibrant. It was alive!

As I stood there marveling at my hard work, dabbing at the cuts all over my hands, I was thinking a lot about how pruning my rosebush was a lot like pruning myself.

So often I come up against the same obstacles as I did today. The work is hard, and at first, I don’t see any progress. It’s painful and leaves scars on me. But, the reward, oh the reward is great. Hard work, blood sweat and tears, patience, good food and water, are all things that keep my rosebush looking its best and living the healthiest that it can, are all things that I can relate to.

Getting up at 5:30 in the morning is hard.

The calluses and scrapes left on me are painful.

The sore muscles leave me wondering why I bother.

The miles I put in and the pounds I move are painstaking and time consuming.

But the reward comes when I blossom, grow, and shine.

Double Knockout Rose

I will continue my hard work, both in keeping my beautiful rosebush healthy and my mind body and spirit the same.