Nerves

I’m getting nervous, guys.

My marathon is only 18 days away and to say I am starting to freak out would be an understatement.

I’m having dreams (nightmares?) about the race- things that don’t even make sense.

I need to calm down. I need to relax. I just need to breathe.

 

I’ve done my training- I know it will be fine. Right?

How do you calm down before taking on a huge, life altering task?

Help!

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I thought I was fine

but I’m not.

Slowly but surely I have been letting myself slip. A little gluten here, skipping a run there etc.

On my run this past weekend I found myself in a very similar situation- striking knee pain that barely allowed me to get back to the car. I made it out just fine and at 5 miles I turned around to head back, feeling utterly fantastic, like I could run all day.

But then, at mile 7, that same familiar feeling came back to me. Knee pain. Tight IT Band. Sharp. Painful. Heart breaking.

I can’t be doing this now.

I got back to the car with some pathetic run walks and while I was pleased to have my 10 miles in, I was not pleased to be feeling the way that I was. As I sat at home in my hot Epsom salt bath I had to get a reality check about my health and fitness.

Since the end of my AMAZING Whole30 I have let my standards for what good food is go, almost completely. And since Christmas and the travel that was involved with that I have let my marathon training go as well. I wasn’t putting good things in and I wasn’t putting honest effort out.

I am a freaking emotional mess.

With no one to blame but myself.

Today I plugged my food diary so far in and while I am gluten free (barely) I am hardly pulling what I would call “healthy numbers”. I have 12 miles on my calendar for my long training run this weekend, and if I don’t start nourishing my body well here asap, I am going to fall way behind, and Dallas is going to be much harder than it has to.

 

I have to get my good (gluten free), better (primal),best (paleo) to just be BEST.

I have to get my maybe half assed training run plus a painful long run to be a STRONG WEEK WITH A STRONG FINISH.

 

I’m better than this.

 

Failing, Falling, and Hanging off the Edge

I’m not trying to be dramatic. I swear.

If you asked me yesterday how I was doing, and if I were to answer you honestly I would tell you this “I feel like I’m falling off a cliff and I have my little pinky finger hanging on to the edge.” Seriously, I was one step away from a nervous break down.

 

Lack of sleep will do this to you.

 

I’m trying to sleep at night but my mind races 100 miles per hour. I think that if I could harness the speed with which my brain travels when all I want is to sleep, I could power a super computer. The notepad next to my bed is full of thoughts, musings, to-do lists, things to remember etc. I have dumped the truck of all the stray thoughts, yet still sleep evades me.

I need to go for a run. I think that’s what’s wrong. I haven’t run since Saturday and it’s messing with my sleep pattern. Yeah. Let’s blame it on that.

Oh, and I’m getting married this Sunday. That’s messing with my brain too, I suppose…

 

Last night I finally got some good sleep; the unfortunate outcome being that I have regained my clarity and my critical eye…

I had laid out 4 goals for myself on January 7th… all of which I am failing at right now. And I can see that plain as day. Thank you, sleep.

For reference the goals I set are:

1. 3 runs per week- follow training calendar

2. Whole 30 upon return from honeymoon (Jan 21st-Feb 18th)

3. Try one new class or exercise per week (or one that I haven’t done in a long time)

4. Scrapbook race bibs 3 per week to stay motivated for my full marathon.

 

These are short, 6 week goals, so I’m not overly concerned with the fact that they aren’t going as well as I had hoped. What I am concerned about is that a major life event has derailed me so easily. Granted, I’m still eating mostly clean, but besides that I am hanging on by a thread.

Is it too harsh to say that I am failing?

Maybe the hanging on is what builds strength?

I could use some of that right about now.

Who’s the driver?

Someone recommended to me today that I may benefit from doing a financial inventory. They weren’t referring to a sit down with an accountant or a write up of where my money, or lack there of, is. No. They were referring to something people in recovery do to get through some past hurts that still weigh them down today. And I agreed.

There’s so much fear that comes with money. Having it. Not having it. Needing more. So much security gets wound up in something so neutral. When I think back to my earliest memories, a lot of them have to do with finances in some way. So yeah- I have issues with money. At first glance I would tell you that my security is totally bound up in my financial well being.

But then I remember a turning point. I remember a specific time when money and the security it promised to provide became number two and something else moved into the driver seat.

My divorce wasn’t messy or angry. Once I agreed to sign the papers, things were rather ambivalent. We didn’t use lawyers or court appointed mediators. I didn’t request alimony or spousal support. The thing that was driving my decision making now was joy. The fearful version of me should have thrown up a red warning light telling me to get some compensation or support or something, but with that fear in the backseat I drove forward into my new life, not sure where I was headed but positive it was better than where I was.

Along with joy I need to remember to take trust- I need to remember that it’s going to be ok. I have exactly what I need for right now. Sometimes fear and lack of security grab the wheel and try to dictate the path, but it’s never too late to course correct, slam on the brakes and throw that puppy back on track. Besides, I haven’t arrived yet, now have I?