My son is 7 months old. I look at how much he has changed over the course of the past few months and I am just blown away at all the progress he has made.
Unfortunately, when I look at my own journey, I don’t feel the same amount of pride. In fact, I feel a bit of the opposite.
It’s really tough to admit that this is really hard.
I truly thought that by now I would be back in action, making things happen, getting my poop in a group (all the other moms reading this are either nodding or laughing. I was so naïve). It’s so hard to contain my own disappointment.
A friend told me this week, as I was shrugging off those feelings that everyone has, that just because everyone has them doesn’t make them any less valid.
So in an effort to be transparent, and maybe help other moms struggling with the guilt I have, I feel:
Tired. Like all the time. I’m pretty sure someone took our clocks and just removed a couple of the hours.
Hungry. Like all the time. Being responsible for another humans sustenance is no easy task. And I graze constantly. Which brings me to my next one…
Frumpy. I feel blah and squishy- like I’m wearing someone else’s skin.
Guilty. I find myself wishing that things were different. That I could have someone else’s life. Well, that’s not entirely accurate. I wish some of my certain circumstances and challenges would magically disappear. I wish that things could be as easy for me as they appear (key word) for other mamas. And that makes me feel guilty- because I wouldn’t change anything that would change my son. Nothing. No questions asked. But, I still feel guilty thinking that.
Disappointed. In myself for not being the Pinterest mom I thought I woulda coulda shoulda been.
Sad– that time is going by so fast and I can’t catch a breath.
Angry. This one surprises me but if I am totally honest I’m angry that other moms are so judgy with each other. There, I said it. Be kind to each other. Seriously.
Lonely. Being up in the middle of the night or the times when I’m home alone is incredibly isolating. It doesn’t have to be, but sometimes it’s just not worth it to engage.
Most of all happy. There’s something to be said for having your prayers be answered and your dreams come true. That sounds cheesy but I don’t care. Having joy with my son doesn’t negate all the other emotions. Rather, I think it validates them.