Happy Valentine’s Day, Me

Dear Me,

Today and always I love you. I may not always show it by how I treat you or by the way I talk about you when I’m with others, but I’m trying to be better about that.

I didn’t get you anything today, no gift or card seemed fitting. All I have to offer is the promise to keep trying to make good choices that are self honoring.

I’m sorry for all of the years I was mean to you and mistreated you- I know out of everyone, I broke your heart the most.

Today, let’s try to move forward. Self- you are the best and no one ever gets to tell you otherwise or change that.

Don’t forget it.

Uncomfortable

Last night I learned a hard lesson in budget execution. I had decided at my last pay period that because eating better was a little more expensive, but important to me, I would reserve some of my “fun money” for the end of the pay period in case my grocery money wasn’t enough for the full two weeks.

I did great until this weekend, when I splurged and ate out at least 3 different times. It was all good food that was on my eating plan, but eating out just plain costs more than cooking at home. Fast forward to last night. I was at the cash register buying some more fresh produce and I realized that I may not have enough money with me to pay for everything I needed. You can’t weigh your produce at Target, so my total was up in the air. I was looking at the food I had put on the belt and started trying to decide what I would put back if I had to. I don’t have credit cards anymore or any back up cash in my purse (cause I’ll spend it) so I was stuck. I was angry, at first. It wasn’t like I was buying frivolous things, or trying to decide between these cute shoes or that cute shirt. I was buying nutritious food that will save my life.

But I was, in fact, frivolous. Just not last night. I was willy-nilly with my spending all weekend, and the fall out was happening right before my eyes.

I was in the position that I was in because of the choices I made. This interaction showed me how uncomfortable money issues make me, and in turn how that affected my emotions. Anger, sadness, feelings of neglect all swarmed me and there wasn’t anything I could do about it right then and there to placate myself. I just had to be uncomfortable. Growing hurts. Being stretched stinks. Coming out a better person- so worth it.

I had pennies within what I needed, so I guess for me it’s also a good lesson that God will provide.

Good to know I’m still teachable…