Who’s the driver?

Someone recommended to me today that I may benefit from doing a financial inventory. They weren’t referring to a sit down with an accountant or a write up of where my money, or lack there of, is. No. They were referring to something people in recovery do to get through some past hurts that still weigh them down today. And I agreed.

There’s so much fear that comes with money. Having it. Not having it. Needing more. So much security gets wound up in something so neutral. When I think back to my earliest memories, a lot of them have to do with finances in some way. So yeah- I have issues with money. At first glance I would tell you that my security is totally bound up in my financial well being.

But then I remember a turning point. I remember a specific time when money and the security it promised to provide became number two and something else moved into the driver seat.

My divorce wasn’t messy or angry. Once I agreed to sign the papers, things were rather ambivalent. We didn’t use lawyers or court appointed mediators. I didn’t request alimony or spousal support. The thing that was driving my decision making now was joy. The fearful version of me should have thrown up a red warning light telling me to get some compensation or support or something, but with that fear in the backseat I drove forward into my new life, not sure where I was headed but positive it was better than where I was.

Along with joy I need to remember to take trust- I need to remember that it’s going to be ok. I have exactly what I need for right now. Sometimes fear and lack of security grab the wheel and try to dictate the path, but it’s never too late to course correct, slam on the brakes and throw that puppy back on track. Besides, I haven’t arrived yet, now have I?