I thought I was fine

but I’m not.

Slowly but surely I have been letting myself slip. A little gluten here, skipping a run there etc.

On my run this past weekend I found myself in a very similar situation- striking knee pain that barely allowed me to get back to the car. I made it out just fine and at 5 miles I turned around to head back, feeling utterly fantastic, like I could run all day.

But then, at mile 7, that same familiar feeling came back to me. Knee pain. Tight IT Band. Sharp. Painful. Heart breaking.

I can’t be doing this now.

I got back to the car with some pathetic run walks and while I was pleased to have my 10 miles in, I was not pleased to be feeling the way that I was. As I sat at home in my hotĀ EpsomĀ salt bath I had to get a reality check about my health and fitness.

Since the end of my AMAZING Whole30 I have let my standards for what good food is go, almost completely. And since Christmas and the travel that was involved with that I have let my marathon training go as well. I wasn’t putting good things in and I wasn’t putting honest effort out.

I am a freaking emotional mess.

With no one to blame but myself.

Today I plugged my food diary so far in and while I am gluten free (barely) I am hardly pulling what I would call “healthy numbers”. I have 12 miles on my calendar for my long training run this weekend, and if I don’t start nourishing my body well here asap, I am going to fall way behind, and Dallas is going to be much harder than it has to.

 

I have to get my good (gluten free), better (primal),best (paleo) to just be BEST.

I have to get my maybe half assed training run plus a painful long run to be a STRONG WEEK WITH A STRONG FINISH.

 

I’m better than this.

 

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Uncomfortable

Last night I learned a hard lesson in budget execution. I had decided at my last pay period that because eating better was a little more expensive, but important to me, I would reserve some of my “fun money” for the end of the pay period in case my grocery money wasn’t enough for the full two weeks.

I did great until this weekend, when I splurged and ate out at least 3 different times. It was all good food that was on my eating plan, but eating out just plain costs more than cooking at home. Fast forward to last night. I was at the cash register buying some more fresh produce and I realized that I may not have enough money with me to pay for everything I needed. You can’t weigh your produce at Target, so my total was up in the air. I was looking at the food I had put on the belt and started trying to decide what I would put back if I had to. I don’t have credit cards anymore or any back up cash in my purse (cause I’ll spend it) so I was stuck. I was angry, at first. It wasn’t like I was buying frivolous things, or trying to decide between these cute shoes or that cute shirt. I was buying nutritious food that will save my life.

But I was, in fact, frivolous. Just not last night. I was willy-nilly with my spending all weekend, and the fall out was happening right before my eyes.

I was in the position that I was in because of the choices I made. This interaction showed me how uncomfortable money issues make me, and in turn how that affected my emotions. Anger, sadness, feelings of neglect all swarmed me and there wasn’t anything I could do about it right then and there to placate myself. I just had to be uncomfortable. Growing hurts. Being stretched stinks. Coming out a better person- so worth it.

I had pennies within what I needed, so I guess for me it’s also a good lesson that God will provide.

Good to know I’m still teachable…

Forward

Today I completed my second half marathon. That in itself is huge, and I know that, but I’m frustrated.

For the last 3 months I have trained hard, lost a few more pounds, started eating cleaner and truly expected today to be phenomenal. I had in my mind how it would go and how I would cut a half hour or more off my first half’s time.

But I didn’t. Don’t get me wrong- I still PR’d and I’m happy about that, but the thing that has me upset is ME. And for once it’s not the mental part of me, rather my body.

The race was going great until mile 6 when that familiar pain I trained so hard to avoid started to creep in. Before I knew it both of my knees felt like they had a peg jammed into them. It was all I could do to keep going forward. I stopped numerous times to do the stretches I had practiced at home, but nothing provided relief. As I continued mile after mile it got worse. At mile 11, for the first time ever, I cried while running.

Why?!? Why was my body failing me? Why now? I felt robbed. Robbed of my big bang PR and robbed of the elation I imagined it would bring.

I will continue, my ego slightly bruised, but just like I finished the race, I’ll just keep going forward- one foot in front of the other.